The 21 Stages of Rejection

1) Immediately feel as though a lead bullet (c. 1846) has fallen down your esophagus and landed in the bottom of your stomach, where it will remain for the next three to four days.

2) Convince yourself that said imaginary bullet does not exist (in reality nor your imagination) and that you are, in fact, fine.

3) You are fine.

3.5) An arbitrary amount of time passes, during which you feel increasingly anxious. Time ranges anywhere from 9.8 seconds to several hours. (If symptoms persist for days, jump to step 20).

4) Concur that you are not, in fact, fine.

5) Convince yourself that you are not disappointed and that said event was really not that important.

6) Realize that you are lying to yourself.

7) Repent for your sins.

8) Re-commence convincing yourself that, as your conscience likes to say, “It wasn’t that big of a deal anyway.”

9) Repeat steps 1 through 8 as needed.

10) Brainstorm a list of myriad impossible goals to compensate for the rejection that surely stemmed from failure on your behalf.

11) Work on one item of said list.

12) Acknowledge that said goals are impossible to meet and that you constantly set yourself up for failure.

13) Reject above list of brainstormed goals.

14) Spiral into an Inception-like thought process characterized by lack of trust of own opinions.

15)                                  .    [Brain temporarily malfunctions]

16) Write about said experience on a word processor of any variety – pen and yellow legal pad may be utilized in special circumstances.

17) Reach into the caverns of brain-spiraling madness and withdraw a cobweb of hope.

18) Cling to said cobweb like Shelob on a hobbit.

19) Create one practical step for moving forward with life.

20) Move forward with life.

21) Go to hospital for lead poisoning.

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